i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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