Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
