I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
