'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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