Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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