I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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