Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You can't motorboat a personality
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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