So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
