Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
