I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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