I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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