Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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