i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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