Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
