i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
