If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Panties = found
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