She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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