It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
