his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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