The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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