she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
