the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
