I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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