just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize