Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Drunk is not a location!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
