I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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