There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
