So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
