It's like God shit irony all over that family
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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