maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Let's get the cat blown out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
