WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
