There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
