Your face is a jimmy john
Porn is love you can see.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
