Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
