If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
