I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
