I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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