rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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