Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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