Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
