i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
