the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
