Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
