sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
