god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
