just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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