I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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