I am spending my child support on dildos
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
