You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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