Your dad touched me again.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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