at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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