OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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