mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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