The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
