I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
