this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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