she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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