If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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