proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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