i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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